My son,

I know what I promised you.

I know how much of these letters I spent telling you I would stay. And if you're reading this because I'm no longer beside you, I know those words may be hard to bear.

You may wonder what made me think I had the right to promise you anything. After everything I knew about waiting for a father, how could I leave you with a letter where I should have been?

I don't want you to have to defend me before you can say that it hurts.

When I was a boy, I kept waiting for my father. Even after he had disappointed me, I could hear something in his voice and believe him again. I wanted him badly enough that very little could feel like a beginning.

I don't know whether you'll recognize that boy when you read about him. I hope you won't. But if you do, if some part of your life with me left you waiting too, you don't have to leave that out of the story.

I wanted to give you a different childhood. You'll know more than I do about whether I did.

I wish I could leave you something better than my side of the conversation.

I wanted more time.

I wanted to hear what you were going to say next. I wanted more days when being your father meant I could simply come into the room.

I don't know how to make you feel the difference between a father who stopped coming and a father whose life ended while he still wanted to. From where you are, there's someone missing either way.

Knowing why I'm gone may not help when you need me.

You can understand that I died and still be angry that I left you. You don't have to settle that for my sake.

There will be people who remember me differently from you. I hope you'll ask them about me when you want to, and tell them about me when you need to. They may have stories you've never heard. You'll have your own.

You can go on living without making your life an answer to mine. Whatever remained unfinished in me, you don't have to finish it.

I wish I could tell you in person how much I wanted to be your father. You weren't too much. You didn't ask for more love than you deserved.

If you find yourself wondering what you could have done to keep me here, my son, there was nothing you owed me that you failed to give.

I wanted to stay.

~ Dad