If We Ever Grow Apart

My son,

If distance ever grows between us, know this: I'll take the first step, even if I'm the one who was hurt.

I want to write that now, before pride has a chance to negotiate with me later.

I won't promise you that we'll always feel close.

What I can promise is that I won't use distance as proof that love failed.

If we ever grow apart, part of it may be life. You may need space to become yourself without me standing too close to the mirror. You may need to question me, disagree with me, and leave some of my beliefs behind. That won't be betrayal. It'll be part of becoming a man.

But some of the distance may be my fault.

I need to say that before it's true, because if I wait until it happens, I may be tempted to defend myself instead of listening.

I may push too hard. I may mistake advice for connection. I may turn fear into pressure and call it guidance. I may expect you to understand the sacrifices behind my tone while forgetting that you're still the one receiving it.

I may become so focused on helping you build a life that I forget to ask whether you feel known inside it.

If that happens, I want you to know you can tell me.

You can say, Dad, that hurt.

You can say, I need you to listen before you teach.

You can say, I'm not you.

I hope I receive those sentences well. I hope I'm mature enough to thank you for trusting me with them. But if I fail in that moment, if I get defensive, if I make myself the injured party because your honesty bruises my pride, I want this letter to testify against me.

If we grow apart, you don't have to come back perfectly.

You don't have to have the right words, explain every year of silence in one conversation, or make your pain neat so I can receive it comfortably.

You can come back angry.

You can come back guarded.

You can come back unsure whether you'll stay.

You can send a text that says, I don't know how to talk to you, but I think I want to try.

That will be enough for me to start walking toward you.

And if I'm the one who needs to come back, I won't wait for you to make it easy.

I'll reach out and ask whether you want to talk. If you ask me to leave you alone, I need to respect that. An apology doesn't give me the right to your attention. If you do want to talk, I want to hear where I missed you without asking you to comfort me for feeling guilty.

I won't say, After all I did for you.

I won't say, You'll understand when you're older, as a way of dismissing what you understand right now.

I won't make your distance into proof that you're ungrateful.

If you need to leave some version of me to find yourself, I'll grieve that. I'll probably grieve it clumsily. But I'll try not to punish you for becoming separate from me.

You aren't my redemption project.

You aren't the proof that I broke the line.

You're my son.

That means my love for you can't depend on whether you make me feel successful as a father.

I hope we're close. I hope we talk easily. I hope you want to call me when something wonderful happens and when something falls apart. I hope my name feels safe in your phone.

But if there's ever a season when it doesn't, I'll still be your father.

A chair will still be waiting for you. I'll still open the door. And I'll be on the other side, trying to become humble enough to love you better than my pride wants to.

I'd like to hear from you, even if all you want to say is that you need more time.

~ Dad